Pssst. I Know All Your Dirty Little Secrets.

When all is said and done, reception is a fucking bore. Most of the time I just sit and stare lifelessly into the abyss, waiting for people to call and bitch at me. So, when I can, I will do my best to find ways to kill time. And so I set forth in search of the receptionist's Holy Grail...

Gossip.

Gossip is my life-blood. I know shit that I don't even WANT to know about most of the people I work with. Why? Because the front desk is the main hub here in this God forsaken dump. And what isn't my business, I MAKE my business. I know who's tokin' up in the maintenance closet, who cheats, who's been cheated, and who hates who. And it's all delicious.

Other than the obvious reasons, mainly blackmail, gossip is bitchin' because it makes this crap-ass job tolerable. It gives me the invisible leverage that I need to get myself out of bed in the morning. Don't get me wrong, I didn't always want to be a gossip whore. But I learned quickly, it is inevitable. People want to talk to me, and I get so fucking bored, I actually want to listen.

I am starting to believe that there is some sort of strange catharsis that occurs when you tell your bitchy receptionist that you hate your boss. Because, well, I hate her too. And I don't judge a thing people say. I mean, sure, I spread it around town like butter, but, fuck, isn't that what gossip's for?

I tell people it doesn't leave this desk. And it doesn't. You've just got to understand, I sit at this desk ALL day.

Lunchtime blows.

Client food orders.
Yay.
I love translating client's chicken-scratch, only to call and place an order with some moronic bitch. Said bitch inevitably fucks up my order. So, later, my co-worker comes out and tells me his clients are pissed because the order was fucked up.

"Dude. It's not my fault the bitch at Wondee Siam can't write down the words that are coming out of my mouth. Why don't you spank me, Secretary style, and I'll promise to do a better job next time."

FOOD ORDER CONFESSION:
Do you want a side of pasta or salad? Do you want blue cheese or creamy Italian dressing? Do you want that burger cooked medium or well done?

These are all important questions. That's why there's a section on the food order form for peeps to fill in information of this nature.

Clients, being the little bitches that they are, always forget to fill in the details on food orders. So, now, I just order what I feel like ordering. If you can't even fill out the fucking order form that is provided for you, so that I, your little receptionist bitch, can place an order, then fuck you. I couldn't give a shit if you don't like blue cheese muthafucka.

Oh, to be a morning person...

If I weren't a desk jockey, I'd be home sleeping. How is it that I managed to get through college without one class before 9AM, but, now my ass is up everyday at 6AM?
Reality fucking sucks dude.
But, let's get to the real issue here: I seriously hate morning people.
You know the type. He springs into the office, all smiles and joy. Meanwhile, I am sucking down my super-sized Dunkin' Doughnuts iced coffee just to remain coherent. But, I'm a pro, so I say my muffled "Good Mornings" and go about my business. But no, this little asshole wants more, he wants to talk about what I did last night, if I watched Entourage, and "Oh my God, Ari is effin' hilarious, right?"
And for a second, I think about pulling a Milton on this place.
Why?
Because maybe, just maybe, if I got paid more to get my ass up at 6AM, I could fucking afford HBO.

Administrative Professionals Day. Sweet.

Happy Administrative Professionals Day, bitches! Yet another day when your superiors and equals alike will forget to thank you for all the important shit you do. Sure, maybe one of your co-workers will bring you a shitty Hallmark card, but, in all seriousness, does that even begin to make your many administrative efforts worth it? Truth be told, you probably take on a crapload of tasks that are not even in your job description. So, let me begin today by saying: Fuck Administrative Professionals Day. And fuck all your shitty co-workers who make your life suck.

Do something nice for yourself today, 'cause no one else will.